I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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