im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
