Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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