just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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