Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
