You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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