I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
