I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
