you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
