at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Dignity is for republicans.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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