We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You need a sexual gate keeper
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
