Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i came on her dog
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
