remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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