My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
