The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
try to milk me bitch
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