i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
