aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
