he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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