I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
