meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
