My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
