theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You've changed since you got that strap on
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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