peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
if only i could text you this smell
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm way too hungover for life right now
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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