He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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