Need sex. Gaining weight.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
