i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
