I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
