if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
