apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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