nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
