apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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