Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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