I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
