was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
