Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
