so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
