Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
