Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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