My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
