I'm drive I can fine osifer
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
