she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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