i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
