he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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