I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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