Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
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