we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
