So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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