My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
