she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
