We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
