Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
